The previous blog I identified three basic expressions of anger: exploding, imploding, or freezing (withdrawing or becoming unresponsive). We each have our style of dealing with informing others of our anger. Our choice of expression will depend on the degree of safety we feel in the social context. Of course, the depth of our experience of anger will influence the expression. To understand our anger, it is necessary to have the courage to clearly identify how we express ourselves in response to provocation.
Another important contributor to our expression is the pattern of expression learned in our childhood. Family members may typically express anger in the same way. However, personality and the learning of childhood is a big factor. Parents frequently have a great deal of influence. They will vary in how much anger they permit children to express and the manner of expression.
If a parent sends the child to their room if the child becomes angry or frustrated, that provides a strong message. The child, depending of the personality of the child, may come to practice withdrawal or isolating oneself if anger arises. Or the child may learn that the feelings of anger are not to be expressed publicly. If anger leads to shaming or the negating of anger, the child’s understanding of themselves will likely be impacted.
Of course, if the child is ignored in their expression of anger and permitted to continue the expression without attention, they may come to understand that their feelings are ignored and of little or no value to others. One can readily see that childhood is the context in which we learn much about the expression of anger. It becomes very clear that anger expression is something very personal to every one of us.
The context in which we express anger is also very important. You will determine your expression significantly by the context in which you experience it. Certain friends of family members may be willing to interpret your expression as “just blowing off” and as being appropriate. Obviously, their understanding of anger, their degree of agreement with your anger, whether it is directed toward them, or someone they deem worthy of your anger, and the means of expression will all be important to consider.
The creation of electronic communication has great influence on our expression. In the absence of face-to-face contact, facilitated by electronic communication, people express anger, often more effusively, in a more exaggerated form, or with a different tonal expression than if one is face to face. Direct, face to face communication, is usually more controlled and more sensitive to the recipient of the message. One should monitor oneself to understand the degree of difference in our expression of anger face to face or through the screening that occurs through electronic means. How we impact others in our expression is worthy of our intense study. Being open to explore our expression may provide opportunity for us to learn new ways, and more effective ways to express anger. To seek to deny one’s anger is not an option. We were created to experience and to express anger. The question is whether we wish to be more effective.
